Unemployed Diaries

I left my snazzy job this week.

Now I am jobless, with a huge project on my hands (my writing career) and an absolute detest for anything that resembles my work over the last few years. This is going to be fun.

Today I woke up thinking I need a vision board. And then I thought how stupid I will look with this vision board once my life gets on track, that has nothing to do with what’s on the board.

HR Pro-tip: if your manager asks you ‘How can I support you?’ brace yourself. For what is coming your way is not support but a level of scrutiny that will leave you breathless, constantly watching your back and justifying your every thought that you will never utter.

I struggled today. There was no reason to struggle, but I struggled to believe that a perfect job for me exists. That I will find it before money runs out, and I will resort to taking up whatever is offered. And that will make me miserable.

Hope today. Hope and a busy mind.

I want to find something that will suit me, a job that will make me leap out of bed in the morning. And I wonder if it is even possible? In my career line, with my skill-set, with all the teeny-tiny circumstances that are buzzing around like flies. But then I turn my ear to the stories of others who took a leap of faith and landed somewhere good.

I should be looking for a new job. Instead, I go online and order a moisturiser.

Yesterday, I wanted to get out of the house for the first time since the whole ‘I am not working’ storyline began. I was restless, and I wanted to drive and sing and think and walk. So I did. I was walking, sipping coffee, looking at the leaves changing colour, and thought, “I can get used to this”. I can’t get used to this.

It has been days. I go online, I look and - nothing. Nothing that excites me, nothing that I want to apply for. There are some interesting roles, but they are in the companies I do not care for. There are some good salaries, but the roles are soul-sapping. Finally, there are part-time hours, but not in the roles I would want to take up. And round and round and round I go.

I Googled.

Google suggested making a list.

I made a list: ‘deal-breakers’, ‘must haves’, ‘would be great’, ‘ideally not’. And I felt good for a second. I do not know what I want exactly, but I have a list, and I have some parameters to guide me. And then I went online… and every job I see is in a ‘deal-breaker’ category. Am I missing something? Also, is it embarrassing to go through this at 35? If you quit your job (suddenly) at 35 and are bent on making a change, should you not know what exactly you are changing to? I feel like a little turd squatting under a plant.

Recruitment agents are dementors.

I am telling myself I don’t need to apply for jobs over the weekends. Who knows why? It is not like unemployment pauses for a weekend break, or that money stops running out. And yet I step into the weekend with relief and confidence of a drunkard catching the last train.

Is it me, or are the ads getting worse? The phrasing they are using: “we are looking for someone who enjoys driving business outcomes”. Does anyone enjoy that? Joy is such a specific feeling. Enjoyment, delight, and finding pleasure are deeply human, inherently natural and familiar to all. Does anyone out there enjoy something as stupid and vague as driving business outcomes? Can anyone with a straight face say at the interview that one of the things that brings them joy is “driving business outcomes”??

And on top of that, they ask you to have 8+ years of experience. You are looking for someone who has been enjoying driving business outcomes for 8+ years. Let’s hope you never find this person. Imagine having lunch with someone like that.

I applied for one job! This was an event in itself. It has been weeks since I have seen anything I wanted to apply for. It took me 2 hours. 2 hours to research the company, mark up the ad, bridge the gaps, edit my CV, write a cover letter… It was a fit of strength, but I felt good about it. I have done everything I could for a decent application. I am reaching: this job would definitely be a promotion, but when I look back, my last 3 roles were promotions, so maybe. Just maybe.

No response from the employer. In my experience, if they don’t call you within the first 2 business days, do not hold your breath. Oh, well, at least I tried.

I am not going to lie, there are moments now in my days where I am enjoying the freedom of unemployment. The last time I had so much autonomy over my time was when I finished university. And back then, I had no idea what to do with my time. I was also scattered and scared. Wanted everything and did not dare to get anything done. Now. Now I have a determination of an old mule.

Not everyone in the family knows I quit. It makes up for awkward conversations sometimes. They ask about my job, and I say: “I am looking for another one”. Not lying per se, but who are we kidding? I am just not ready. It is hard as it is to be floating in space even without radio going every couple of minutes: “Houston, what are your coordinates?”

“Houston, we have a problem…”

Applied for a 3-month contract. The work is easy enough, contractor hours give me freedom to manage my time and money coming in would be pretty good right about now.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing I want to apply for. And the engine is evidently weirded out by my search patterns, as it is now suggesting some strange listings: from a school principal to a partner in a law firm. What on Earth?

The recruitment agent replied to me: I am overqualified for the 3-month contract. But! He has 2 other roles for me. Both permanent, both exactly what I used to do. Both offer exceptionally good money. And I spiral. I look at my dwindling funds, at my ‘no prospects’ situation and at the salaries they are offering. I agonise over the decision, imagine how good it would be to earn, how padded life would feel. I read the job descriptions and already feel the soul leaking out of me, but the money…

I am so befuddled, I call my husband. He talks some sense into me. He says he gives me 2 months before I am right where I was when I quit my last job. That special little place, where I am disengaged from anything and everything, where I am so tight that my skin cracks and strange fumes emanate from the cracks.

So, we pray. And I decline the offer. Respectfully. I explain what I am after in hopes the agent has something for me. He responds with one line: “will keep you in mind”. He already moved on.

I go for a nap, wake up and feel like a complete idiot.

The search continues.

I look for my dream job, I even go over the adds I have already rejected. Half-way through the process I begin to read the book titled ‘Bullshit jobs: a theory’….

Looking through job adds has been a source of frustration, desperation and laughs. When I can’t take it anymore - I laugh. “Ability to manage priorities; opportunities to sense-check thinking; you will be both end-to-end of everything and the big picture guy” Etc. Etc. Etc.

Translation: you will be working with demanding and unreasonable people, everything will be urgent, the demanding and unreasonable people will chew your brain out with how exactly things should be done for them, and you will run off your feet doing the actual grind work while getting blamed for things not working on the whole.